Forgiveness

Forgiveness to me is, a long and tiring process. It is hard to achieve "forgive but do not forget" because memories stir up emotions. Time may numb the resentment, disappointment and sadness but the scar left in the memories never fade.

Love may overcome all, love can be healing. Love can tear a person apart. 

It is difficult when you are trying very hard to protect and nurture love and a careless but grave mistake blew it apart. 

The once comforting space is filled with doubts, anger and disgust. 

All that are left, shattered pieces of a broken heart waiting for time to pick it up. 

10 best feeling

Im going to write about the 10 best feelings that I had in my entire life.

10. The light and relieving feel after a good toilet trip. Yes, simple as that. One of the best everyday moment.

9.Watching a good drama

8. The next 2 hrs after impulsive shopping ( After 2 hours, you will realize how painful your pocket is)

7. Sleeping in an air-conditioned room while it is raining heavily outside with no time limit

6. PAYDAY

5. During dance practice

4. On a plane for a holiday ( Budget airline not included I think)

3.  Great results

2. Satisfaction after a good dinner/movie with the whole family

1. Spending time with Smelly

I wonder how many people enjoy the same things that I do. Actually going out beautiful makes me feel extremely good too but most of the time I'm too lazy to doll up unless I feel it's necessary to do so for the day. 

Goodnight people!

Missing one

Till now, I have been missing a certain important part of my life and I will miss another.
I'm not going to make it for graduation ceremony tho I have successfully graduated.
As I'm really lucky of what I've got now and I don't have much worries about later, I also have to give up some parts in which others get to enjoy. I guess there's always a balance.

I have so much time at home now, more than enough to plan for the big days coming ahead that I begin looking at some random girls blog, the girls I knew but don't really like and I still dislike them having the exact things as me. Being into adulthood, I know I shldn't be bothered by such trivial matters but I got no idea why am I still so annoyed. They would post pictures of their new buys and I would click on the picture to make sure it isn't the same lipstick or nail polished colours as the new one I've got. I can't believe I actually boycott a brand I used to like because of them but it actually makes me feel better.

I have to confess that during school days I actually made my new stuff stays at home because she just got something like them. I really dislike it when she goes "omg, where did you get it? it's so cute!" because she will get them 2 weeks later. Im always giving her answers such as " Someone got it for me, Zhaojie bought it for me, it's my mom's" At least she wouldn't know where to get the exact some ones. I don't mean that the girl "copied" my style but it's just a case of I dislike her no matter what she do, now or in the future..... Prejudice.

Respect

This morning, I started my day in a sour mood because my dad and I had a heated argument with my Mom.  She's complaining about wanting to give Yangyang away because he keep peeing in its cage.
My Mom is quite hard to please when it comes to housework and is definitely the kind that will clean the whole kitchen, scrub the tiles if a small area is dirty so she washes the whole cage, bath the dogs and starts nagging that nobody can help her. My sister and I would if we are able to but she was out and I'm not in the right condition to help.

After that she complained about her body being weak, aching all over. We suggest that she go for light exercise and stretching. It would help but she yelled at us for forcing her to exercise and she can't, it will worsen her condition because she is born to not be able to exercise(she insist having a weak heart but no, she is not suffering from any heart disease). WHICH ABLED BODY ARE BORN NOT ABLE TO MOVE? This is ridiculous.

We have to rush for breakfast because she needs to take my Grandma to the hospital, a routine she goes through twice every month no matter how tired or busy she is.

Now, this is the main point of the post I would like to write down.

My mom do not have to work because my dad is making more than enough, he also give my grandparents allowance monthly. However for the past few years, it seems that my maternal grandma is becoming extremely dependable on my Mom due to her deteriorating health, financially my uncles are not giving support so it become the sole responsibility of my parents. My grandma have 4 children but one is not around anymore. The relationship there feels segregated. The rest don't visit often, they visit when they need help. One of my uncle works overseas, he hardly calls back and nobody is able to contact him. He don't send money back and let's not even say about taking care of his parents. The other is equally bad, he dont even visit often.

My grandma would sometimes call in the middle of the night to tell us that she is not feeling well and wants to go to the hospital, she don't call the rest. In the past, all benefits would mostly goes to the sons but now nobody is willing to take care of her. I'm not shrinking from this responsibility but shldn't all the children do their best to take care of their aging parents. It's only fair because with help from them, my parents will not feel a burden at all. This is stressing my own family because my Dad sometimes makes comment about his mother in law and it upsets my mother. On the other hand, he is stress about my grandma medical needs, the wages for the maid and having to visit her during midnight as a result my mom went to work part time to ease the burden. My family is not given any choice because the others simply don't bother at all. It is causing arguments no matter how, I don't like it when things like this affects my family. I dont mind if it doesn't caused any problem.

Born in a traditional family, I'm taught to respect my elderly and we shouldn't question about decision adults make because it is rude and wrong. However, I have my own idea of respect since I was little that it should be earned like how my parents wants me to earn what I want by myself. I don't understand why my mother kept quiet when my fat annoying aunt constantly pick on her and make me keep quiet when she make nasty comments about me, she insist I respect her. By default, I will give all elderly basic respect but when things are given without being earn, people like the fat annoying women takes it for granted and continue her bullying. I doubt they deserve the respect an adult should have.

It is the constant hurting, disappointing and irresponsibility that caused respect to be lost, I don't really know how to face them anymore when I meet them. This ideology of respecting elderly have caused me much problem during my childhood because I'm constantly fighting for myself without help from my mother when FAT BITCH ATTACKS, CANED BY MY UNCLES FOR SHIT MY COUSINS DO (without finding out the truth), GRANDMA DISLIKING ME BECAUSE SHE LISTEN HER FAVORITE EVIL FAT BITCH SAYING IM THE RUDEST KID IN THE WORLD EVERY TIME I REBUT AFTER SHE MAKES NASTY REMARK ON ME. I'm labeled rebellious.

I'm definitely not enlighten be that respect when people don't deserve it. I'm pretty sure that everyone will be free to collect the inheritance and they think they deserve a fair share.
Are these people the kind that deserve respect, by default?

It has been long since I've written a super long post ( & it depends on how long my sister is going to take to bath the dogs.)

I have a few bad news to share, I'm allergic to dirty dogs. For people who keep dogs as pet know that we cannot bath them too often because they'll fall sick so we bath them only once a week. Often towards the 4th to 6th days, I find it difficult to cuddle them without my nose starts running and my eyes starts tearing. The experience is HORRIBLE and I go through this cycle on a weekly basis (more often than having periods).

The second bad news is that my neighbor rented his flat out to a group of Indians, they look really neat and tidy so I guessing they are probably working in the IT SECTOR. They have not yet give any problems since today is only the 2nd day they move in. I do have wonderful indian neighbors who offers Deepavali snacks with me (although I prefer the curry) and they are so polite and friendly but I really have bad experiences with some others in my neighborhood therefore I'm stereotyping them, it becomes a bad news to me till they prove to be as good as my favorite indian family.

The third bad news is I'm still not starting or contributing anything to the graduation show, I know I'm probably not interested in it and I'm really hoping I can get my $100 back in full which is quite impossible. I do know that there are many others who are contributing half their youth to this show and is working round the clock. I really dislike how some things are and I understand that I'll just mind my own business and not messes things out.



I think I'll split this entry into 2 posts.....