Mother Tongue O level result back today.
I did beyond expectation, LLG was surprise.
Maybe i was lucky, i chose a cold topic for paper 1.
A1! im couldn't believe my ears, i was expecting the best A2 when Mdm Ng told me during bio before they even announce the results.
she says she took a glance and so i was thinking she might see it wrongly, sorta parallel error.
i lost hope when they showed us the statistic of our class result, among 22, only 5 A1s and 5A2s.
compared to my other classmates, im one of the weakest esp when our class are the strongest mother tongue class when we look into the banding and so.
There are so many higher MT and Band 1 students, im just a meagre Band2.
it can't be me when its all mother tongue geniuses arnd like GuangLiang and Aaron.
My standards are incomparable to them.

Mrs Nathan came to announce result, Amelia got A1.
she was the candidate before me, it struck me instantly tt Mdm Ng really made a mistake but after a few secs, the feeling of desolation quickly turn to pure ecstasy.
It was the first time, i fell in love with Mrs Nathan voice.
the high pitch, sharp and deadly voice of hers suddenly turn melodious.

A1, i really got an A1.
i never thought that i could do it.
to be honest, i didnt put in great efforts and im unworthy to what i've got.
i couldn't rejoice because the tears of the rest was overwhelming.
they were despondent.
how can the be so many B3s they must have thought.
it was way below the expectation they've set.
they were expecting and were so capable of btr grades.
this cannot happen to them.

i kept quiet, i dont know what to say, how to cheer them up or even console them,i didnt dare to because i might seems to be mocking them.
i felt so little.
it was meant to be a joyous occasion yet the feeling was suppress by strong empathy so hard to overcome, esp when the tears flows out of a young man's eyes, thr wasnt even dignity to talk abt then.

now i realise, there's no point being the best in the race when winners can't share their joy with others and others bound themselves to the earthly hell of self reproach and inferiority.
there's too little to rejoice about.

it keeps me wondering/ worrying.

will the scene be even worse when the final results are announce.
if we dont do well, are we able to take it?
will I then lost my sanity and weep like a mad women.
I fear O lvl. Its too cruel.
i've to work very hard now. doubly isnt enough anymore.